it just makes your heart swell

the above is something my mom said to me as a way of describing a memorial day ceremony/service she went to today with my dad. i wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying directly after because the words, "make your heart swell" made my head kind of blur for a second.

i've been doing this a lot lately. i don't know if it's my mind's way of telling me that i have 6 months left to live, or if i'm just so completely lost that i'm trying to find a way out, but everything has taken on this new sort of aesthetic meaning for me. i guess, to speak as simply as my mom, it all just makes my heart swell.

i read the book into the wild this week after watching the movie with friends. i had read it before in 9th grade, but remember scarcely anything from it other than feeling disturbed after it was over. in addition to making me miss the mountains and climbing probably a hundred times more than i already did, it made me remember why i appreciate books so god dammed much. to be able to read something and allow it to seep into your mind so completely that you just stop and stare at the words is a feeling unlike any other. i can't really describe it.

this weekend was a lot of fun. it's nice to be in the company of people who really love you for who you are (even if they do spend 90 percent of the time making fun of you).
highlights:
-on average, mike will make a reference to some type of "male private part" at least 20 times every hour.
- power hour is fun, especially when you spew beer out of your mouth and across the kitchen.
-the only appropriate response to anything is to either flick someone off, or make hand gestures that look like jerking off.
-driving next to the ocean with windswept hair, listening to music with friends. good music.

wasps are synonymous with evil

lots and lots and lots of things floating around in this thing attached to my neck.
i think i'll let it sink in for a bit and comment later.


announcements (this seems absurd) :

grad school. check.
moving to houston. fo sho.
needing a roommate. end of july, beginning of august.
needing more funds to attend concerts galore this summer. gimme gimme more.
missing my little seeeesterrr.
missing winslow already :(

lose yourself in lines dissecting

the new death cab is amazing.
loveLOVE the song "long division."

i said it once, i'll say it again: listen to FIRST FLOOR POWER.
i keep falling more and more in love.
"when anything could happen"
do it.

had a conversation with a friend today.
it seems we're both feeling a little lost right now.
not sure what we're doing with our lives, but we're trying to be hopeful (i think).
i've never been one to accept change well, but i've been thinking a lot about the past.
and it's torturing me.
we're thinking some of the same things, namely how we both want it all back.
i do want it all back, back to the way it was in the beginning,
before we lost our heads and dove right in.

i keep thinking that i'm just not ready for all of this.
but will i ever be?

on a much more enthusiastic note, houston tomorrow for mother-fucking radiohead this weekend. i'm not even going to try to express my excitement.

age of consent

by new order.

Wont you please let me go
These words lie inside they hurt me so
And Im not the kind that likes to tell you
Just what I want to do
Im not the kind that needs to tell you
Just what you want me to

I saw you this morning
I thought that you might like to know
I received your message
And in a few days ago
I understood every word that it said
And now that Ive actually heard it
Youre going to regret

And Im not the kind that likes to tell you
Just what you want me to
Youre not the kind that needs to tell me
About the birds and the bees

Do you find this happens all the time
Crucial point one day becomes a crime
And Im not the kind that likes to tell you
Just what I want to do
Im not the kind that needs to tell you

Ive lost you
Ive lost you
Ive lost you




definitely my favorite new order song and probably one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time. stumbled upon a cover of this song by kevin drew. it's just him playing the piano and singing quite softly, so it's very different, but beautiful all the same. i like that man very much (a few years behind everyone else, i know). when i drove to dallas on friday i spent a good portion of it listening to spirit if... and i got to a point where i was driving 85 mph down this old, two-laned highway with the windows rolled down and my sunglasses on. as i was listening to "frightening lives" (probably my fav. from the cd), i just kept driving and looking at all the fields and trees as i was flying by and i thought to myself, "this is life. and i know where i'm going and i'm hopeful and i'm excited and i'm thankful for everything and everything will be fine."

it made me happy to know that amy made a reference to that kind of music yesterday. it's the best kind. i hope that you all know what i'm talking about, and maybe we can all drive down a road with the windows down and listen to it together, and watch our lives unfold before us.

there is comfort where we overlap

this is me.

i most especially enjoyed the part about finding errors in mass publications. cannot tell you how many conversations with my mother i've had once one of us has found such an error in a magazine/newspaper/commercial/billboard/etc. and all of those conversations probably lasted at least ten minutes. hey, you go with what you're good at. i guess we're good at being snobby because we know that we suck at math.

(side note: if any of you find punctuation, spelling, or grammatical errors in this blog, do not point it out to me. i will get extremely defensive, thereby ending our friendship. it was probably the computer's mistake anyways.) :)

it's a luscious mix of words and tricks

half of an hour of work left before i can leave.
leave and then drive for 3 hours.
decided to go home for the weekend, mother's day and all.
mostly i just want to be somewhere else.
i'm going to go out to dinner with my family and
will talk to my mother about politics and about how i can one day be a better person.
and listen to my father make inappropriate jokes, while encouraging all of us to order an alcoholic beverage.
then i'm going to sit on my parent's couch and stare out the windows into our backyard.
probably going to see some people i grew up with too.
i think it will be lovely.


isn't it funny how writing in shortened lines makes me feel like what i'm saying is more profound? loser.

it's an interview

been listening to the group first floor power.
very, very guuudah.
on the knife's record label, love everything about the knife, therefore love ffp.
totally different than i expected and a gold mine of good lyrics.

been reading all of my friends' blogs lately and i'm almost drawn to tears everytime. such wonderfully beautiful people. i'm so lucky to have met them all and they make me strive to find meaning in every aspect of life. now i don't feel so bad for being a poser because who wouldn't want to copy such cool kids?

this free internet won't last long

i used to have a xanga some years back.

i wouldn't have admitted this to any of you because i think i generally rambled on about nothing and had comment wars with the girl i shared a wall with. mostly, i was the only one that read it so i naturally tried to be as witty/grammatically correct as possible and the end result was really just unnecessarily sarcastic.

this will probably end up being the same thing (i think i'm already there). but at least it will give me something to do when i feel like being passive aggressive.